This freelancer is getting serious about organising. Kind of…
I’m not going to keep stuffing things into the spare room (my office), and pretending anymore: I’m a slob. I need to tidy up *cue foreboding music* once and for all.
1. Gloat over someone worse than you.
Start with a Hoarders marathon. You get some handy tips and feel much better about a few coffee cups on your desk. You might even feel so superior, you don’t have to clean up at all… scratch that, stay focused.
2. Tiny moves.
Move into a tiny house. There’s less room to accumulate junk and clutter, and you keep warm at night purely from smug self-satisfaction. You’ll save on energy costs, although your sister’s electricity bill will probably go up after 6 months parked in her backyard.
3. Become a professional house sitter.
It won’t actually save you any money, you’ll need to keep your own house for all your own crap. But at least you’ll get a break from it. And it’s easier to keep someone else’s house clean than your own.
4. Fake a robbery.
If all else fails, claim bandits have trashed your house and you’re too traumatised to clean it up by yourself. No Officer Smith, nothing’s missing… but would you mind folding up that washing? And don’t be shy with that feather duster.
5. The piles method.
Divide everything into three piles: must have, nice to have, don’t need. Throw all piles into wheelie bin. Timing is crucial to this approach. You must wait until the garbage truck is coming down your street, so there’s no temptation to rescue items for one last look. Will involve lurking in front yard suspiciously.
6. Wi-fi rewards.
Try this teenager-focused reward system on yourself. Have a friend reset your wi-fi password, and only release it when at least 2 rooms have been cleaned to white glove standard. Frankly, I’d rather take a crash course in hacking wi-fi than clean up to earn my internet…which is why I’m in this (literal) mess.
7. The joy method.
You’ve heard of the KonMari movement? If a thing doesn’t bring you joy, out it goes. But the same movement says you should thank your things for their service at the end of each day. That’s not organisation, that’s objectophilia (Google it). Reminds me of a documentary I saw once about a lady marrying the Eiffel Tower, and consummating it. But I digress…
8. A room a day.
Look for cleaning methods that suit your lifestyle. There’s one which focuses on a room a day. Hmmm… 10 rooms in the house… 10 days between kitchen cleans… with a day off here and there for good/bad behaviour. Yeah… nah. One step forward, 10 filthy rooms back.
9. Get cleaner panic.
Get a cleaner. Since I got some domestic help once a week, the house has never been better. It’s not just what the cleaner does, it’s the frantic pre-clean that must be done before her arrival. You don’t want her to think we live like animals, right? Method does fall down if cleaner needs a day off, or you get so used to her you forget to cover your shame.
10. Let me entertain you.
No, don’t run off and join the circus (unless you want to, follow your dreams). But inviting people over can be just the push you need to mop that floor, finally deal with that strange odour, and literally blow out the cobwebs. Works especially well if you can cultivate judgemental friends with no tact.
11. Never, ever buy a house.
Sure, bricks and mortar is a solid investment, and you never have to move or have house inspections ever again. Let that sink in, no more house inspections. No more panic cleaning every 3 months. Bye bye clean oven, see you later shower free from soap scum. Best for those who need accountability and like arbitrary judgement on cleanliness levels of sink strainers.
What’s your organisation tip? Seriously, I need all the help I can get…